– I'm Scott Ott, and here's a thought. In September, 2,411 people died near Mecca, Saudi Arabia, in a stampede during the Stoning of the Devil ritual as part of the Muslim Hajj. And this not the first time that stampeding devotees of Muhammad have trampled hundreds of their fellow pilgrims to death during the required once-in-a-lifetime pilgrimage to Muhammad's old stomping grounds. In fact, the greatest threat to a Muslim jihadi, after climate change, American Islamophobia, and goat-borne STDs, is ending up under the sandals of 100,000 fellow pilgrims. Even most terrorist attacks cannot match the death toll of a single Hajj stampede. That's why today, I'm calling on the United Nations to place all Muslims on a new list that would bar them from walking in close proximity to other Muslims. I call it the No-Stride List. That's right, creation of a No-Stride List is just common sense and it could save thousands of lives. But that's not all the trample control regulation we need. You see, most trampling occurs during the Stoning of the Devil ritual at Mina, near Mecca. Each pilgrim comes armed with some 49 stones to throw at pillars and walls. Now, common sense would dictate that the devil would be dead after three, maybe five, stones. No one needs 49 stones. These high-capacity bags of stones foster a frenzied atmosphere that inspires panic and trampling. That's why the United Nations must pass legislation limiting each Muslim pilgrim to no more than five stones. I'm also calling for a tax on each stone to discourage rock-piling. And now, the government of Saudi Arabia has already spent billions of dollars on crowd control and safety measures for the Hajj, but we can still do more. Now, I know that common sense stone limits, stone taxes and the No-Stride List won't put an end to these all-too-common stampedes, but if a Muslim can symbolically stone the devil, then why can't the global community come together and pass rules against trampling (pauses) and climate change?

I'm Scott Ott, and there's a thought. (xylophone chimes)